So, of late it's been pretty shit. No other way to say it really as I am just fed up to the back teeth of diabetes. I don't want it anymore. If I could get shot of this through any way that I could, then believe you me, I would. At any price pretty much.
What's made me want this? Well, first my pump failure not so long ago. Now I've got incessant evening hypos. I'd also like to add that and I've been waking up high for the past few days. That's really got to me as it was all so good until about a week ago.
"They stab it with their steely knives but they just can't kill the beast"
However much I want rid of this, I can't be rid of it. I'm constantly battling it. You can't win against it. You can only keep pace with it and hope that it doesn't over take you for long enough to cause damage later on. Sometimes I feel like I'm trying to keep up with Usain Bolt. I can't always do that. Well, I doubt that anyone can really.
"You can check out any time you like but you can never leave"
Well, in short you really can't stop being diabetic. No matter how much you want. The potential consequences are just too nasty to stop taking care of yourself. The risks aren't worth the potential reward. You can put diabetes on the back burner at your peril. I can leave it alone as much as is possible but I can't leave it in my locker when I start work. I can't leave it on the pitchside. It's there all the time and it stalks me all the time. It's a predator following my tracks in the snow, waiting for a moment of weakness in which to strike.
"It is time for us all to decide who we are. Do we fight for the right to a night at the opera now?"
What alot of health care professionals say is that we shouldn't let ourselves be defined by our ailments. When you suffer from something such as type one you cannot help but let it define you. I just want to be able to forget that I have it. I can't.
I'm always there. I can't escape it. Whatever I fight for now, the diabetes is always there. I'm surrounded by it. My many friends of the DOC (diabetes online community - in short a bunch of fucknuts with insulin and no sanity) may well feel the same at times. I'm always fighting against it. Everyone has their limits. I'm close to breaking point. I can't roll over and let the diabetes win because I've got so many resources at my disposal. I have a pump. I'm one of the few people in the UK to use one. This means I should be aiming high and hitting the spot. Far from it. I'm far from any good at the moment.
However much people say that some of it is beyond my control (pump knackering as few weeks back and the ensuing high BGs and reverting to MDI, albeit for a short while. The unpredicability of my job means I can't set a basal for it. That would be lovely. That's the world I chose to enter so I'm ok with that. What I'm not ok with is that I can't get it sorted. I can't get it right. That's another thing altogether.
Well, it has something to do with me being a perfectionist. It helps. It really does. Then it comes around and bites deep into you. The moment things start going wrong you start assuming the worst case scenario and then you act on it. The moment something strays out of the rigid lines that you set it wrecks the day. Sometimes when things stray high or low (well, with diabetes that means only one thing, blood glucose) and you react accordingly. Then it goes the opposite way. It's just so frustrating. If you managed to understand the last paragraph then well done to you. There's a job waiting for you at Scotland Yard as a code breaker. That or you'd have been deeply welcome at Bletchley Park some seventy years ago.
At the end of the day I'm just unloading. I'll be copying this onto a forum that I use as I can't be arsed to mash out all this again but on a different page. Same shit different day things.
Tom
Wow - wait - how about a code breaker during WWII? I can just see my now - in my uniform - seamed stockings (my only pair thru' the whole war) - mind all primed!!
ReplyDeleteOkay - back to reality. I think having diabetes makes us abit nutty sometimes - okay - ALL THE TIME. The ups / downs of our BG's is like an American soap opera (didn't we discuss about your "love" - NOT - of soap operas Tom?). One minute all is rosey - you're in love - then boom - along comes the cloud of doom - and down we go again. It's a battle all we diabetics face together - and some of the ones that say - oh I can keep my BG's at 4.5 mmol all the time - I say GO TO HELL (and I do).
It doesn't help though with your work hours - I know of some D-folks that seem to be able to handle that - I don't know if I could.
So, is the pump "morte" for now - or are you getting a replacement - or ??? Questions, questions, and I know I missed IMing you on Facebook the other day.
Toodles for now - beware of the shit you step in - as my friend Aaron Nolan said today - as he stepped in some shit today here in Montreal - it feels like he's in Paris.